From the discourse: good friendship is the whole of the holy life (SN 45.2)
Quoted verbatim from the Vietnamese translation by Ven. Thích Minh Châu in the Inti Dharma library (SN 45.2).
Ngồi một bên, Tôn giả Ānanda bạch Thế Tôn:
—Một nửa Phạm hạnh này, bạch Thế Tôn, là thiện bạn hữu (kalyāṇamittatā), thiện bạn đảng (kalyāṇasahāyatā), thiện thân tình (kalyāṇasampavaṅkatā).
—Chớ có nói vậy, này Ānanda ! Chớ có nói vậy, này Ānanda ! Toàn bộ Phạm hạnh này, này Ānanda , là thiện bạn hữu, thiện bạn đảng, thiện thân tình. Với Tỷ-kheo thiện bạn hữu, thiện bạn đảng, thiện thân tình, này Ānanda , thời được chờ đợi Thánh đạo Tám ngành được tu tập, Thánh đạo Tám ngành được làm cho viên mãn.
Read the whole discourse →Why is good friendship the whole of the holy life?
The point of SN 45.2 is not that having good friends is enough, but that through good friends the Noble Eightfold Path is developed to fulfilment. The discourse concludes that by relying on the Buddha as a good friend, beings subject to birth, ageing, death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief and despair are freed from them. AN 9.1 names good friendship as the first support for developing the qualities that lead to awakening, and says one with good friends can expect the other four supports to follow: keeping virtue, readily hearing talk on fewness of wishes and contentment, living energetically, and having the wisdom that sees arising and passing away. MN 43 also names two conditions for the arising of right view: the voice of another and wise attention.
What is a spiritual friend like?
AN 8.54 answers concretely for lay people: a good friend has faith in the Buddha's awakening, virtue, a generous heart, and the wisdom that sees arising and passing away. The discourse says such people may be young or old; what counts is mature virtue together with those qualities, not age, title or fame. SN 55.5 lists «associating with superior persons» first among the four factors that lead into the noble stream. In the Northern scriptures the term «thiện tri thức» is very common: the Entering the Dharma Realm chapter of the Avataṃsaka Sūtra tells how the youth Sudhana learns from one good friend after another.
Telling true friends from false ones, after the Advice to Sigālaka
The Advice to Sigālaka, known in Vietnamese as Kinh Thiện Sinh (DN 31), points out four kinds of people who only pretend to be friends: the one who only takes, giving little and asking much; the one who only talks, and when there is work to do shows they cannot help; the flatterer, who approves of bad deeds, does not approve of good ones, praises you to your face and criticises you behind your back; and the one who is a friend only for drinking, roaming about and amusements. True friends are also of four kinds: the helper, who protects you when you are careless; the one who is the same in good times and bad; the one who gives good counsel, holding you back from wrong, encouraging good and telling you what you have not heard; and the one who cares, unhappy at your misfortune and glad at your good fortune. The common sign: near them, you live better.
Being a spiritual friend to others
The discourses teach not only finding good friends but also being one. DN 31 says a good person treats friends in five ways: generosity (sharing), kind speech, helpful conduct, impartiality, and not deceiving them (keeping one's word); in return, friends protect that person when careless, are a refuge in danger and do not abandon them in difficulty. In SN 3.18, the Buddha advises King Pasenadi to train himself to be a good friend by relying on one quality: heedfulness in wholesome things; when the king lives that way, his household and his people follow his example. Being a good friend therefore begins with one's own life.
A boundary: respect without dependence
A good friend points towards the Dhamma rather than holding the learner to themselves. In the Kālāma Discourse (AN 3.65), the Buddha says not to believe something just because «the ascetic is our teacher»; when you know for yourself that something is unwholesome, criticised by the wise and leads to harm and suffering, give it up. A healthy practice relationship usually explains clearly, encourages checking against the discourses, welcomes questions, does not press for money and does not require anyone to cut off their family. If a relationship leaves you afraid, isolated or coerced, step back and seek support from family or a trusted professional.
